Motorcycle Wisdom

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Men

A motorcycle can go for more than one ride in an hour.

Motorcycles never develop spare tires.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles don't get you pregnant.

A motorcycle doesn't care what time of month it is.

Motorcycles don't have parents.

Your motorcycle will let you know if something is wrong.

You don't have to kick your motorcycle to get it going.

Your motorcycle won't judge your friends.

If your motorcycle is boisterous, you can buy a muffler.

You won't have to put your motorcycle through grad school.

If your motorcycle smokes you can do something about it.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.

When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

One motorcycle will satisfy you every time.

Your motorcycle won't ogle other motorcycles.

Your motorcycle won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy motorcycle.

If your motorcycle has high mileage, you can just get a new one.

Motorcycles don't care about breast size.

If your motorcycle is too soft you can get new shocks.

If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You don't have to drink beer before your motorcycle looks appealing.

You can be proud of your motorcycle regardless of the model.

You don't have to go to Tiffany's to register your motorcycle.

Your motorcycle won't beat you or try to make you feel inferior.

You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get limp.

Your parents won't keep in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.

Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride when you do.

Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a novice.

Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.

Motorcycles don't make you late.

You don't have to primp before riding your motorcycle.

Your motorcycle won't complain when you use protection.

If your motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get a disease from a motorcycle.

Your motorcycle won't care if you fake it.

Motorcycles are always ready to stop when you are.

Your motorcycle has a built in vibrator.

Your motorcycle doesn't have to show off in front of other motorcycles.

Your motorcycle won't lie to you.

Your motorcycle doesn't care how heavy you are.

In the morning, your motorcycle won't poke you in the back when it wants to go for a ride.

You can turn the petcock off.

Your motorcycle won't shrink when it's cold.

If your motorcycle can't fire up, you can just replace the battery.

You don't have to cook for your motorcycle.

Your motorcycle can't ride around behind your back.

If your motorcycle is cold you can choke it.

Your motorcycle is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.

You can keep photos of your old motorcycles.

Your motorcycle would rather go for a ride than watch sports.

Your motorcycle can go for multiple rides.

Motorcycles don't need pick-up lines.

You only have to ride your motorcycle when you want to.

Your motorcycle won't go for rides by itself.

If baldness occurs, you can replace the tires.

Motorcycles don't snore.

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

You can fit a steering damper if your bike is a bit of a slapper.

You get a manual with your bike to understand how it works.

You do not have to change your rubber for every ride.

Your bike will not think you are a pervert if you want to chain it up at night.

You can trade in your old model for a new one as often as you like without paying huge legal bills.

Stripping your bike is legal in public.

It likes going to race meetings.

Your bike will not mind if you ride another model.

You can ride twins without upsetting anyone.

If your bike blows a fuse it will not spend the entire weekend going on about what caused it.

You do not have to be a film star to get a top model.

If you do not like the look of your bike you can buy cosmetic improvements much more cheaply than you can plastic surgery.

You can leave your bike outside the pub for as long as you like and it will not complain.

You only have to flick one switch to turn on your bike before riding it.

When your bike gets old it becomes a classic and even more desirable.

Bikes do not fake headaches when you are ready for some action.

If you fancy your best mates model you can buy one just like it.

Your bike looks as good first thing in the morning as it does the night before.

Your bike gets ready quicker.

Your friends are more likely to be impressed if it is your bike which scratches all day.

If you are feeling lazy, it is okay to pay another man to service your bike.

Your bike can be really dirty but you can still take it home to meet your parents.

You can let your mates ride your bike so they can see how good it is.

You do not have to reach to the top shelf to find the pictures of bikes you really want to see.

Both you and your mate can ride your bike at the same time, and nobody will bat an eyelid.

Bikes do not need a new paint job every morning.

You can buy a silencer for your bike.

You get street cred if you ride a fat old hog.

You can get down on one knee on your bike without having to make a lifetime commitment.

It is an advantage if your bike has a spare tyre.

It is easy to firm up a sagging front or rear end on a bike.

If your bikes rear end gets out of shape your mates are likely to be impressed.

Bikes are always happy to be loaded up with all your luggage.

You can get a warranty with your bike so if anything goes wrong in the first two years you can get it sorted.

Bikes do not mind you staring at other bikes.

Your mates will be impressed if your bike's a bit of a beast.

It is okay to fantasize about being on a different bike when you riding it.

Bikes usually come with a book telling you their service history.

Your bike will never complain about the way it is ridden.

A bike might shake its head but it never gets a headache.

A Bike never argues about going out in any kind of weather.

Top Ten Laws of Motorcycling

1. A motorcycle will not fall over without a crowd present.

2. The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience and the owners ego.

3. Moving motorcycles are to juicy bugs what U.S. Navy carriers once were to kamikaze pilots.

4. You will not feel a need to go to the restroom until after you have put on your rain suit.

5. The fact that your keys are in your pants pocket will only become apparent after you have put your gloves on.

6. Quick fixes are named for how long they stay fixed.

7. The only part you really need will also be the only one on permanent backorder.

8. Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to a prospective buyer.

9. You will never have a flat tire on the road unless you leave the flat repair kit a home.

10. Universal kit accessories are so named because without modification they fit no bike in the universe.

Twenty Axioms of Riding

1. Every ride is optional. Every parking is mandatory.

2. If you push the bars left, the bike goes left. If you push the bars right, the bike goes right. That is, unless you continue pushing the bars all the way, in which case the bike will go down.

3. Riding isn’t dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be on the sidelines wishing you were on the track than on the track wishing you were on the sidelines.

5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.

6. The rear wheel is just a big fan on back of the bike used to keep the rider cool and his butt relaxed. Going into a corner too fast and slamming on the rear brake causes the “fan” to abruptly stop. When this happens you can actually see the rider start sweating and his butt become tense.

7. When in doubt, slow down. No one has ever hit something too slow.

8. A good ride is one from which you can walk away. A great ride is one after which you can use the bike again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve left the side stand down when all left turn are bat-turns. You know you’ve left the center stand down when your in 1st gear at 4000 rpm going nowhere.

11. Never let a motorcycle take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to three seconds earlier.

12. Always try to keep the number of times you put your side stand down equal to the number of times you put the side stand up.

13. There are two simple rules for riding smoothly and fast in snow and on ice. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

14. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

15. If all you can see in your mirrors is sparks and all you can hear is screaming from your passenger, things may not be as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal, rubber and fiberglass going 100+ miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for cars, large trucks, and animals taller than you. Draws don’t count.

17. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

18. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

19. Remember, gravity and centrifugal force are not just a good ideas. They are laws and are not subject to appeal.

20. The two most useless things to a rider are the braking distance behind you and nine-tenths of a second ago.